Love on the Rebound
After a divorce or split from a long-term relationship, many people feel sad, anxious, vulnerable, needy and emotionally raw. They often feel lonely and miss the affection and physical closeness of their previous relationship and try to deal with their emotional losses by rushing straight into a new relationship.
If you're in this situation, it may be very tempting for you to literally fall into the arms of someone else who will catch you, hold you, and tell you that you're okay, you're worthwhile, you're attractive, you're desirable and you're lovable. Not only will this quell any feelings of loneliness and self-doubt, but the dizzying mix of infatuation and lust offers an instant relief and distraction from your pain. What makes rebound relationships so unstable is that they're usually rushed into for the wrong reasons; either to prove that you are lovable after a failed relationship or for the sheer comfort of deep intimacy or distraction of being with someone rather than alone. They are a flight from something undesirable, rather than a movement toward something healthy.
Rebounds can often start off as whirlwind romances, where offers of moving in together can happen after a few days, and even marriage proposals may be made within a few short weeks.
It can be just as appealing if you're the one who's doing the rescuing. Getting together with someone who is in an extreme state of openness and vulnerability, who is willing to share their feelings may feel like you have truly found someone to 'connect' with; perhaps even a soul mate. You may feel that by being there for them and listening to them you can help to 'fix' them and make them whole again. However, one of the biggest risks you face when dating a rebounder is that they may simply move on once they have healed, leaving your heart in tatters.
Are You on the Rebound? - Advice
If you're the one who's looking for love after a failed relationship, you need to recognise your own needs for healing, regrouping and moving on. It's important to realize that being out of a relationship for a while can be a good thing; it's a time to consider and learn from the past, to take up a new hobby or study something you've never had time for, to spend more time with old friends and the chance to make new ones, to learn to enjoy your own company and to work out what you want from a new relationship. All-in-all, it's an opportunity to build a solid foundation for whatever life you choose to lead in the future. Don't rush this process; take it one step at a time. Think of the process as stages you need to go through, like seasons of the year. Every season unfolds in its time, and it's best to accept the season you are in rather than trying to rush through to the next one. Walking around in shorts and a T-shirt in January doesn't make the weather any warmer, any more than trying to fall in love before you're ready makes you any less vulnerable or needy.
When you do start dating again, don't try to hurry things along in order to achieve the same level of loving you had in your previous relationship. Take things slowly; a good relationship needs a strong foundation, and by rushing you're in effect trying to put the roof on before you've built the floors or walls!
It may also be tempting to try and compare and contrast your current boyfriend or girlfriend to your previous partner. Although it may take an immense effort, try to avoid this and simply look at them as a new chapter in your life. Make sure that you see the person as they really are and not as you wish them to be, and don't expect them to fix or save you.
Rebound relationships can be the perfect remedy for heartbreak, as long as you are aware of their purpose and you take your time to allow them to develop.
Is Your Date on the Rebound? - Advice
If you are dating (or are thinking of dating) someone who has recently come out of another serious relationship, make sure that you see them for who and what they are: vulnerable and needy. This is not to say that you shouldn't give them support and affection, but you must recognise that anything further or deeper may be a huge risk for both of you. Although you may enjoy the feeling that you are rescuing someone from their pain, a rebounder is on a journey of transformation that may or may not include you. Make sure that you do not allow them to set the pace, which may be too fast for both of you and be aware that, if their mind is partly on their ex, their commitment to you may be less that 100%.
Final Advice to Both
If you're both prepared to take the risk, then take your time, allow the relationship to develop slowly, and communicate with each other; this will encourage the formation of a deep and meaningful relationship.